Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
