I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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