Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize