i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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