How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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