Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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