I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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