I wish my penis had an off switch
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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