just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
