fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
