I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
