I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Jerry, you need to find god
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
