My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
