I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
