I CAN MOONWALK!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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