I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
