Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
