Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
