so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
