can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
is wine microwaveable?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
