remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I will pee on everything he values.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
