the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm just crazy horny about you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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