Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
