Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
