plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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