Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you mean i was at the winter classic?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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