So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What drink are we having for lunch?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
