Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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