Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
In America we eat man semen.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
