he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
