DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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