from now on my penis is your penis
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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