It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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