how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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