u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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