They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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