i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
