apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
