If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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