I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
