I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was born a porn star she said
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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