mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
