I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I pour the whiskey from now on
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
