dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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