Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
They took my balls.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
