I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
