I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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