There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
