I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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