god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
did i just pee glitter
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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