I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
We named our party play list daddy issues
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
