I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
