What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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