Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
